Something that's has been bothering me...

When I was a first-grader, I was a healthy child and normal weight. Since then I've been gaining a lot of weight. At first it didn't bother me but when I was eleven I moved to another town and switched to another school. At that point, boys in my class started to call me fat. This continued all through the fifth and sixth grade and when I started seventh grade in a new school I started to get bullied again by new students whom I hadn't known before. In the end, I was being bullied for five years in total.

During middle school my self-esteem dropped to zero. I had only one friend, who was so, so dear to me and she still is. But even she never stood up against the bullies because she was afraid of them. I understand how she felt and I never blame her for that. But I was all alone. All through middle school, I remember standing during breaks on the yard, leaning against a lamp post and quietly singing Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". That was my way of dealing with all.

I used cry on a daily basis, I would call my mom during school and begging her to come and pick me up because I couldn't stand being there. My absence rates were very high, especially on the ninth grade. I still studied my butt off to get away from it all, to get to a very good school in Tampere. I didn't sleep at night and in the morning I would lie in my bed crying because I was so exhausted. But somehow, I managed to get accepted and I was finally able to leave my life with bullying behind.

At first life was okay. I moved with my mom to new city and I managed to make friends pretty easily in the new school and everything seemed like a dream come true.

But then, on that one day in January 2009, everything started to fall apart.

I remember going to school choir practice and when I sat down on my seat, I started to feel very anxious. I started crying and that was the same pattern for weeks. Then I finally talked to my teacher that I do not wish to continue this course because of the anxiety I get whenever I even think about going to the lesson. He said he understood and encouraged me to go to talk to the school psychologist. I went straight away and went to ask for an appointment with her. After that I walked all around the school and finally found my way to a friend of mine who was playing the piano. I sat down on the floor and started crying. For a long time that girl was the only one I dared to cry in front of and she supported me and helped me through many hard times, like my very painful first love. She held me and told me that everything was going to be alright. Perhaps I relied on her too much... Right now, she dislikes me and we don't get along. It breaks my heart.

I've suffered from depression for a couple of years now and finally it's starting to wear off. I am happier now than I was a year ago but I still feel bad about myself. I don't think that I am pretty, I feel like people are judging me because of my weight. I feel heavier and more obese than I might even be and I keep comparing myself to my friends who are all much prettier and thinner. It hurts me so much whenever I hear talking about weight because I feel like they are attacking me. Like when one of my dear friends, Nani, told that she has a bit too big tummy, it felt like a piece crumbled from my heart. She is perfectly normal weight, even on the slender side and she looks absolutely beautiful in my opinion. Usually when people see us, they don't see that I am taller than her because she's thinner. I wish I could be as beautiful as she is.

So far only one person has made me feel beautiful. He was my first love and now he's a good friend. He has told me that he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am and that I am attractive. He has helped building up my confidence little by little and even though I am still not okay, I am feeling better week by week.

I know I am obese but I also know that I can't lose the weight without help and support and so far I don't have enough of that. I need someone there to tell me "You can do it!". I wonder when I am going to find the strenght to ask for help...

Song of the day is... "Ganbaranakutemo eenende" by S/mileage to lift the spirits up after such depression post. ^-^



With love,
Yashura~

I like winter but...

So, it's February and a week ago I turned 19 (yay!). :D I've always liked winter ever since I was a kid, I loved playing in the snow and the only thing I've ever disliked about winter are winter sports (such as skiing and skating)... Except for this winter. It has been exceptionally cold! It's been around -25 degrees Celsius for a couple of months now and even on Finland's skale this has been the coldest winter in 50 years.

But oh well, it's very pretty outside. :3 Here's a song of the day, "Winter" by Tori Amos:



With love,
Yashura~

Happy Valentines Day~

And so it's Valentines Day again. I used not to like this day because I never really had anyone to spend it with - neither friends nor a boyfriend. But now that I am blessed with dear friends, I am more than happy to spend my Valentines Day with them~ <3

I want to mention a certain event that happened to me just a couple of weeks ago. I was at a bar with my friends, Princess Yuki and a couple of my mahjong friends. Anyway, others were playing billiards when suddenly one of the mahjong players, let's call him Ta-kun, came to talk to me. He said that he had heard from another player that I and Yuki, the only girls at the mahjong club, didn't enjoy ourselves at the club because of the way he and other guys behaved, blocking us out from the group unintentionally. So he apologized on his behalf and gave me a hug after I had forgiven him. It made me really happy to hear that from him, it really made me happy to know that I have such great people around me.

Oh! Here's a song dedicated to all the lovely people around me - "Friend" from Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon Live Action. I have always loved this song and series, since it's about the importance of friendship. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. :33 "My Best Friend"~ <3<3



With love,
Yashura~

Starting the blog

Hello everyone! Thank you for visiting my blog page. ^-^

So... I finally started my blog due to group pressure coming from two of my great friends, Nani from "i am precious" and Princess Yuki. I didn't want to start a blog because I felt I have nothing to write about. But well, here I am. :P

To start off my "career" as a blogger, I shall let you guys know something about me. I listen to music a lot and here's a song which has been playing in my head recently and I really enjoy listening to. Also, a proof that I like other genres too, not only Japanese pop. :3



Anyway, I hope you enjoy my reading my blog. I will try to write about something interesting.

With love,
Yashura~