maanantai 28. helmikuuta 2011

Something that's has been bothering me...

When I was a first-grader, I was a healthy child and normal weight. Since then I've been gaining a lot of weight. At first it didn't bother me but when I was eleven I moved to another town and switched to another school. At that point, boys in my class started to call me fat. This continued all through the fifth and sixth grade and when I started seventh grade in a new school I started to get bullied again by new students whom I hadn't known before. In the end, I was being bullied for five years in total.

During middle school my self-esteem dropped to zero. I had only one friend, who was so, so dear to me and she still is. But even she never stood up against the bullies because she was afraid of them. I understand how she felt and I never blame her for that. But I was all alone. All through middle school, I remember standing during breaks on the yard, leaning against a lamp post and quietly singing Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". That was my way of dealing with all.

I used cry on a daily basis, I would call my mom during school and begging her to come and pick me up because I couldn't stand being there. My absence rates were very high, especially on the ninth grade. I still studied my butt off to get away from it all, to get to a very good school in Tampere. I didn't sleep at night and in the morning I would lie in my bed crying because I was so exhausted. But somehow, I managed to get accepted and I was finally able to leave my life with bullying behind.

At first life was okay. I moved with my mom to new city and I managed to make friends pretty easily in the new school and everything seemed like a dream come true.

But then, on that one day in January 2009, everything started to fall apart.

I remember going to school choir practice and when I sat down on my seat, I started to feel very anxious. I started crying and that was the same pattern for weeks. Then I finally talked to my teacher that I do not wish to continue this course because of the anxiety I get whenever I even think about going to the lesson. He said he understood and encouraged me to go to talk to the school psychologist. I went straight away and went to ask for an appointment with her. After that I walked all around the school and finally found my way to a friend of mine who was playing the piano. I sat down on the floor and started crying. For a long time that girl was the only one I dared to cry in front of and she supported me and helped me through many hard times, like my very painful first love. She held me and told me that everything was going to be alright. Perhaps I relied on her too much... Right now, she dislikes me and we don't get along. It breaks my heart.

I've suffered from depression for a couple of years now and finally it's starting to wear off. I am happier now than I was a year ago but I still feel bad about myself. I don't think that I am pretty, I feel like people are judging me because of my weight. I feel heavier and more obese than I might even be and I keep comparing myself to my friends who are all much prettier and thinner. It hurts me so much whenever I hear talking about weight because I feel like they are attacking me. Like when one of my dear friends, Nani, told that she has a bit too big tummy, it felt like a piece crumbled from my heart. She is perfectly normal weight, even on the slender side and she looks absolutely beautiful in my opinion. Usually when people see us, they don't see that I am taller than her because she's thinner. I wish I could be as beautiful as she is.

So far only one person has made me feel beautiful. He was my first love and now he's a good friend. He has told me that he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am and that I am attractive. He has helped building up my confidence little by little and even though I am still not okay, I am feeling better week by week.

I know I am obese but I also know that I can't lose the weight without help and support and so far I don't have enough of that. I need someone there to tell me "You can do it!". I wonder when I am going to find the strenght to ask for help...

Song of the day is... "Ganbaranakutemo eenende" by S/mileage to lift the spirits up after such depression post. ^-^



With love,
Yashura~

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